Behind Closed Doors
Little did I know that the things that I went through where the building blocks of my own prison cell. I was young and it was taboo to talk about my addiction and struggle. So I kept silent about everything. I kept quiet more because I didn’t want to get in trouble. I didn’t want my parents to find out what I was doing. I didn’t want my peers to think of me differently. I didn’t want to break my boyfriend’s heart. You may wonder why I cared so much about the opinions of these people, well, I was young at that time and I am a Pastor’s kid. Many of you know all the stereotypes that come with that title. A lot of them are true.
As a PK (Pastor’s kid) everyone thought I had to have it all together. It was like I was not allowed to mess up or fall short because, you know, I’m the Pastor’s kid! I should know better! Be Better. So my life was always under the microscope. Everyone was watching, everyone had an opinion, everyone was reporting back to my mom or dad! Then there were those who waited for my downfall. They waited for me to slip up just to accuse me. You know, how the devil does for all the believers. My silence was the cement.
I stayed in silence for years. The only person that knew about the depth of my sin was my boyfriend. He couldn’t help much because we shared the same addiction and fed off of each other. We thought we were able to be strong for each other and beat this thing. But, ha!, yea right. Blind leading the blind much?! We only dragged each other deeper and deeper into our pits. It got drastic.
While in college I still lived in the same old prison cell. I kind of liked what I did with the place. The paint color was just right, the furniture never got dingy, dusty or lumpy. Everything was in their right place. Everything was in order. I was comfortable. I got too comfortable. I was so comfortable I didn’t realize the people who loved me most couldn’t stand to be around me. While in secret everything was going well, the reality was that I had ugly mood swings. I didn’t laugh anymore. I had a bad attitude that put a damper on everyone’s mood. I didn’t care. I stopped doing the activities I was part of in the church and just went along living my sinful life.
As a PK (Pastor’s kid) everyone thought I had to have it all together. It was like I was not allowed to mess up or fall short because, you know, I’m the Pastor’s kid! I should know better! Be Better. So my life was always under the microscope. Everyone was watching, everyone had an opinion, everyone was reporting back to my mom or dad! Then there were those who waited for my downfall. They waited for me to slip up just to accuse me. You know, how the devil does for all the believers. My silence was the cement.
I stayed in silence for years. The only person that knew about the depth of my sin was my boyfriend. He couldn’t help much because we shared the same addiction and fed off of each other. We thought we were able to be strong for each other and beat this thing. But, ha!, yea right. Blind leading the blind much?! We only dragged each other deeper and deeper into our pits. It got drastic.
While in college I still lived in the same old prison cell. I kind of liked what I did with the place. The paint color was just right, the furniture never got dingy, dusty or lumpy. Everything was in their right place. Everything was in order. I was comfortable. I got too comfortable. I was so comfortable I didn’t realize the people who loved me most couldn’t stand to be around me. While in secret everything was going well, the reality was that I had ugly mood swings. I didn’t laugh anymore. I had a bad attitude that put a damper on everyone’s mood. I didn’t care. I stopped doing the activities I was part of in the church and just went along living my sinful life.